


maybe we can find a place to feel good

by sunfloweromi



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Suicide, poetic sadness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:27:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28497564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunfloweromi/pseuds/sunfloweromi
Summary: Louis had lost everything. Harry was still there, somehow.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3





	maybe we can find a place to feel good

**Author's Note:**

> this is just a messy pile of my own depression.
> 
> If you think topics such as self harm, depression, and suicide could trigger you, please don't read this. 
> 
> hope you all are doing well. i love you.  
> big thanks to Harry for releasing the TPWK music video today. It made me smile. 
> 
> all the love,  
> Lizzy
> 
> title from treat people with kindness by harry styles

_what am i doing here?_

_my head will never be screwed on straight. it will always hurt me._

_she says she'll find me help. does she only say that to comfort me?_

_not sure i want it anyway. i'm simply scared of everything._

_don't want to face them. never want to face them._

_they're dark and big and looming and evil. they grab and they dig and they hurt._

_and then i see green. it makes me feel something._

_a different kind of something than standing in the shower watching the red seep into the drain while the water turns cold._

_a good kind of something. a warm kind of something._

_but his head wasn't ever screwed on straight. his mind was always hurting him._

_i wasn't good enough. nothing was._

_that's the problem, when you're depressed. nothing is ever good enough._

_the only way out is either through, or down._

_and every step forward hurts so bad that i take five steps back._

_so instead i go down. i dig my own grave._

_it's right next to his. the one i couldn't save._

_i'm sorry you couldn't save me._

-

Louis sat at the foot of his bed with his head in his hands. He hasn't cried since the moment he found out. He doesn't think he's physically capable of it anymore. 

Harry walked in quietly. 

"Lou?"

Louis lifted his head to gaze at his lover. It felt like the first time he'd ever seen him. It always did, whenever he looked at him. 

"Harry."

Harry walked forward and sat beside him on the bed, placing a hand on the small of his back in comfort, though he figured it may not do much to soothe his boy. Louis was in mourning. 

"Louis. Look at me."

Slowly, Louis' head tilted up at Harry. What was supposed to happen now? He had nothing, nobody. He couldn't trust himself. He couldn't do anything, couldn't feel anything. 

He knew Harry's eyes were filled with tears when Louis couldn't look at him. He knew, because he felt it. 

"Louis, I'm right here. I'm always right here."

"I know, baby."

-

The following week was empty. Louis carried on with no intention at all. He didn't know why he was doing anything anymore. But he couldn't bring himself to die, because he simply didn't care. 

He woke up, showered, went to work, came home, washed rubbish tv, went to bed, and repeated the process. His head would constantly scream at him and yet he couldn't bring himself to confront his thoughts, because he just couldn't bring himself to care. 

Harry smiled as Louis opened his apartment door. 

"Louis! You're home," Harry beamed at him.

Louis couldn't help but smile, despite feeling hollow. 

"Hey, love."

Harry stood up from the sofa, walking forward to wrap his Louis in a tight embrace. 

"I missed you," Harry whispered.

"I always miss you, Harry."

-

He kissed Harry as if it was his last chance to, because, essentially, every kiss was their last until they were to connect their lips again. And what if something happened? What if he were to disappear in the blink of an eye, and Louis would never have a chance to feel him again?

"Harry," he questioned one Saturday morning, "what are we doing here at all?"

It was silent for awhile. They were cuddled beneath the bed, hiding from the world. Having nothing but each other. 

Louis thinks it was hours before he heard Harry whisper, "nothing. Nothing at all."

-

Louis was crying, no, _sobbing_ as he shook in Harry's arms. Harry had been shedding his own share of tears as well. 

"I miss her, Harry. I miss my mum," Louis cried.

"I know, boo. I know."

-

"Harry, I want to bring some flowers."

"What kind of flowers, Lou?" Harry smiled. 

"Well, what kinds of flowers do you like?"

Harry's smile didn't fade. It hadn't ever, really, since he found out. "You already know."

-

The drive was long and silent. Louis felt like a ghost, but he knew that was ridiculous. However, when the thought had occurred to him, he wondered what would be so bad about being a ghost. 

The sun was starting to disappear, and there weren't any clouds in the sky.

"Harry, do you like the sunset?"

"I love it," Harry beamed.

"I knew you would."

-

Louis sat at the grave, placing the flowers beneath the stone.

"I miss you," he barely whispered.

He took the pills out from his backpack, along with the bottle of water. 

He turned to look at Harry sitting beside him, and for the first time, he hadn't been smiling. 

"Don't be upset with me, Harry. I can't live like this anymore."

"You're stronger than you know, Lou."

"No, I'm not."

It was silent for the longest time. Louis wished he could cry. For the first time, he didn't feel empty. Instead he felt too much.

He popped the pills, swallowing 6 or 7 at a time until the bottle was empty. 

Harry wasn't beside him anymore.

Just as everything had begun to get fuzzy, he took one last look at Harry's grave. Then, he smiled.


End file.
